So since we announced we are adopting, we get continuous questions about the adoption process. Parts of this I absolutely love! I get to play educator, which I miss and love! I get to teach people about the process of adoption, show compassion for our future birth mom, and help support other people that are on their adoption journey. These parts I love. I am even happy to share our story of how we got to this point in our journey and to be open to our friends and family. It has been beyond wonderful to have the love and support of them, but with that love and support we get A LOT of comments and questions.
Just like there are somethings you don’t say to pregnant women, there are some things you don’t say to parents that are waiting to adopt. Like you DON’T tell a pregnant woman “You look like you are about to POP,” or “are you sure you aren’t having twins??” There have been etiquette blogs, articles, posts all about this I am sure, but it was hard to find a lot about what NOT to say for adoptive parents.
I think it is okay to say that most journeys to adoption are filled with anticipation and emotional highs and lows– much like those who are pregnant with a child. What makes it different is that there are still many mysteries and misconceptions all around adoption. We have all seen some horrid LifeTime movie about adoption! Because of this, it makes people more likely to ask insensitive questions or offer unwanted advice.
So here are a few questions that we have been getting asked A LOT:
“How’s the adoption going?”
This sounds harmless. We get this question almost every day. Truly, every time we hear this we tell ourselves that we know they mean well, but a better question would be “So, anything new going on for you?” Our agency told us that we need to go about our lives in a normal way. Go on with trips, work, go out with our friends, etc. All things that we are definitely trying to do! There are so much more going on in our day to day lives than adoption. YES, we are consumed with love for this child that we haven’t even met yet. And YES, we are so thankful that people care enough to ask, but adoption is not a weekly update process like pregnancy. We have our home study done, our application in, and our profile book completed. Now we don’t hear anything until we get that call that we have been matched or a birth mom would like to meet with us. So we wait!
“How much longer will you have to wait?” Or “I know y’all will not have to wait long.”
We do not have a crystal ball nor can we predict the future. We are completely out of control when it comes to WHEN. Oh if we could change this, we would! But we can’t. We could get a call tomorrow or two years from now. We really have no idea and our agencies won’t tell us a time frame, because they don’t know either. So we are waiting, indefinitely! Hopefully, it will not be long, but we are preparing for at least a year, if not longer.
“Do y’all have a kid yet?”
Ummm… no. Trust me, you will know when we get that call. Maybe not publicly, but if you are one of our “people” you will know when we get matched. And we will need to be wrapped up in prayer, but not a thousand questions!
“So you know that you are going to get pregnant now that you are adopting?”
This one gets my blood boiling! In my head, I want to say “Well, no, I don’t know that!” and then punch them in the face… but what I always answer, “We don’t expect that to happen, and we are excited to be on this journey of adoption to start our family.” Please, if you know someone who is adopting, don’t tell them this. We don’t want to hear it. Helps us celebrate our new path and focus on that!
These questions, I know, will continue. We know that adoption is part of our texture now, weaved into many layers of our heart, and we haven’t even met our child. I always will have my tactful answer, because I know that this is just the start of the questions that we will get asked in the future. We are learning, praying for patience, and learning how to answer these hard questions that we are faced with on a daily bases. So I thought I would share on this late Texture Tuesday to help educate and know what to say and what NOT to say! This might be a “to be continued” as, I am sure, we will get more questions!
If you are an adoptive parent, or waiting to adopt, I would love to hear what questions/comment you have gotten to share some adoption education! It might be in my Part 2
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by Rebecca Walker
Kristin Cummings - Praying for you dear friend! Hugs!!!! Kristin
Brooke - We adopted twice via foster care. I smiled when I read the “you will get pregnant after the adoption” comment. It makes me remember this kind yet forgetful elderly lady who sat in front of me at church who told us about friends she knew who had done just that. She told me that story weekly.
I have to remind myself people mean well but we live in a society that often doesn’t think before speaking. It doesn’t stop once the adoption process is final. We as a foster-to-adopt family got the “Is he yours yet?” Question a lot. My answer was he was mine from that placement phone call. Before I met him, I knew I would move mountains for him. I became his mother.
I have had people say “oh you took the easy way out. You didn’t carry or deliver your children.” That should be on your list! My son was my son for over 2 years before he had my last name. My daughter was in my home for almost exactly a year before her adoption was finalized. It was hard to try not to think of all the “what ifs”. It really strengthened our faith and trust that God would keep our family together. Adoption WAS NEVER the easy way.
And I am their REAL mom. Real moms change diapers, cuddle when running fevers, kiss boo boos, clean up vomit in the middle of the night, sign field trip permission slips, and cheer on every sporting event their child wants to take part in.
God bless you on your adoption journey
Sherri - Praying for you as you travel this unknown path. Also praying for your baby’s birth parents.
Judy Lea - Rebecca I am so happy for you and Scott and that you have chosen to share parts of this journey. Certainly you will be in my heart and in my prayers as will this child that God has charge over now. Remind us often and know you will be watched over with love as you travel.
Texture Tuesday | What Things Not to Say to People who are Adopting Part 2 » Rebecca Walker Photography - […] months ago, while we were just starting out in this crazy journey of adopting our son, I wrote this blog post about what NOT to Say to People who are Adopting. I realize that adoption has been around for a […]